Face to face with life
Am I the blessing or the curse
Weary in the valley
Lost for the temporal beauty of the shadow
Trying to find the words to say it all
Make sense of it and find my peace again
I write letters in a perpetual state of transition
Shouting into the void, the echoes of anguish and hopes that fluctuate between confidence and question
Caught in the in between
Trying to find a sense of home in a world that I don’t belong
Hungry is my exile heart, banished by sabotaged and betrayed affections
As I oscillate between the nature of who I’ve been and who I am
Stones throw away from monsters in our mirrors that stare back at us through the lens of divided perspectives
When one moment I seek to imitate Christ but the next it’s as if my life more truly immolates the notion
What would Judas Do?
When I feel like I’m traitor to my own legacy for bloodlines in collision
My veins weaved together and entwined
When my mother was a warrior but I bear the burden of my fathers frame of mind
As scars become the fingerprints of how we define ourselves
Suffering for heavens sake in the face of our present hells
There are no innocent victims and we’ve all got blood on our hands
Yet still we orbit in our contemplation
All that we endure as if entitled to grace when we deserve damnation
Humility entreats me as I reconcile
I’ve no vision for true justice for the ways my eyes have been defiled
When I began found but started to lose my way when I was just a child
Am I not still the offspring of God, yet molested by this world
Touched by demons, the devil is a pedophile
Kill, steal, and destroy
Weapons forged of illness
Thievery of hearts by way of failing love
This hand me down devastation
I speak heavy handed hallelujahs to salvage what is left of all that has been taken
When the one person I loved the most was healed by way of death but in the vapor I felt as if she was forsaken
When faith is poisoned by a broken meditation
I go in circles in my mind yearning to resolve this theological frustration
When doubts are fears in infancy and I cannot come up with an answer
My sorrow nurses on the sour milk of loss at the hand of the breast cancer
I remember it like yesterday when it went into remission
Then returned, on the eve of new beginnings, inside her head
As gradually life left her eyes and blurred her hopes vision
My faith was robbed by the heartache that broke me in every word the doctor said
A prognosis of three months but in two she passed away
I replay the order of events inside my mind, knowing I should rejoice at the thought of her in heaven, but I just can’t today
Appealing to God and asking why
As if to put divinity on trial according to my finite point of view
I know that you are in a better place but sometimes I feel lost here without you
Feeling my way around in the darkness of my own ways that fail to align
As I sing the name of Jesus on Sunday but journal my despair in double entendre confessions of every poetic and ugly line
Bearing my heart I bleed in honesty not for some spectacle marvel at a way with words
But to mourn with those who mourn and be vulnerable as I find a way to cure imperfect faith through the chemotherapy of truth
When depression like tumors symptomatic of the ways I medicate with lust perpetuates this cancer of my youth
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll see you again
When the accuser makes his case against me to prosecute me on the premise of my sin
I just learn to trust in God, even when I don’t understand
Such love that covers over multitudes of words and sins
All for just a man…
Am I the blessing or the curse
Weary in the valley
Lost for the temporal beauty of the shadow
Trying to find the words to say it all
Make sense of it and find my peace again
I write letters in a perpetual state of transition
Shouting into the void, the echoes of anguish and hopes that fluctuate between confidence and question
Caught in the in between
Trying to find a sense of home in a world that I don’t belong
Hungry is my exile heart, banished by sabotaged and betrayed affections
As I oscillate between the nature of who I’ve been and who I am
Stones throw away from monsters in our mirrors that stare back at us through the lens of divided perspectives
When one moment I seek to imitate Christ but the next it’s as if my life more truly immolates the notion
What would Judas Do?
When I feel like I’m traitor to my own legacy for bloodlines in collision
My veins weaved together and entwined
When my mother was a warrior but I bear the burden of my fathers frame of mind
As scars become the fingerprints of how we define ourselves
Suffering for heavens sake in the face of our present hells
There are no innocent victims and we’ve all got blood on our hands
Yet still we orbit in our contemplation
All that we endure as if entitled to grace when we deserve damnation
Humility entreats me as I reconcile
I’ve no vision for true justice for the ways my eyes have been defiled
When I began found but started to lose my way when I was just a child
Am I not still the offspring of God, yet molested by this world
Touched by demons, the devil is a pedophile
Kill, steal, and destroy
Weapons forged of illness
Thievery of hearts by way of failing love
This hand me down devastation
I speak heavy handed hallelujahs to salvage what is left of all that has been taken
When the one person I loved the most was healed by way of death but in the vapor I felt as if she was forsaken
When faith is poisoned by a broken meditation
I go in circles in my mind yearning to resolve this theological frustration
When doubts are fears in infancy and I cannot come up with an answer
My sorrow nurses on the sour milk of loss at the hand of the breast cancer
I remember it like yesterday when it went into remission
Then returned, on the eve of new beginnings, inside her head
As gradually life left her eyes and blurred her hopes vision
My faith was robbed by the heartache that broke me in every word the doctor said
A prognosis of three months but in two she passed away
I replay the order of events inside my mind, knowing I should rejoice at the thought of her in heaven, but I just can’t today
Appealing to God and asking why
As if to put divinity on trial according to my finite point of view
I know that you are in a better place but sometimes I feel lost here without you
Feeling my way around in the darkness of my own ways that fail to align
As I sing the name of Jesus on Sunday but journal my despair in double entendre confessions of every poetic and ugly line
Bearing my heart I bleed in honesty not for some spectacle marvel at a way with words
But to mourn with those who mourn and be vulnerable as I find a way to cure imperfect faith through the chemotherapy of truth
When depression like tumors symptomatic of the ways I medicate with lust perpetuates this cancer of my youth
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll see you again
When the accuser makes his case against me to prosecute me on the premise of my sin
I just learn to trust in God, even when I don’t understand
Such love that covers over multitudes of words and sins
All for just a man…
