Longing For Yesterday, Waiting For Tomorrow...

 

I've yet to find the words to do justice what I feel
Or to feel it all to the extent it seems I should
Speaking as if to solicit for comfort in your stead
Yet it's as if some days the memory of you is more alive
And I'm the one who exists as if I'm dead
 
Caught in routines and safety precautions
With generic encounters with strangers
A few words in exchange
Just enough to find parallels in everything
 
Anticipation in waiting or growing weary
The volume of my heartbeat to a dull roar
I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel
And what is it I'm preparing for
 
Closure to our endings and embarking on the new
I want to make a memory but what's a memory without you
As my joys compete with the ache that swells within
And I sell every love song short with the secrets of my sin
 
No justice done, just perpetual lamentations spoken
Trying to breathe and pretend that I'm okay but everything is broken
On the outside looking in, on the inside looking out
Spectacle to societal observation
I've got a fishbowl heart, making vulnerability out to be a marvel
 
Shock and awe, the unreal nature of a reality so bleak
I'm choking on my will to express it
But even when I say it, it doesn't really speak
Lacking depth to give utterance to the scars it all inflicts
Faking my integrity and trying to find a way to process, while prone to be an addict
 
Is it all just a will to medicate
When it's something in me that I can't tolerate
And the same to sedate in the moment drives me further into sorrow
When I'm lost for the one I lost, longing for yesterday and waiting for tomorrow
 
Is it getting too real?
As I quote the irony of our day
When we fear more the man without the mask
In denial of our faces when it used to be the other way
 
What is a secret but the truth concealed
And the lie we make of ourselves
When it's too much to face reality
The image of who we'd like to be is all that sells
 
Profile sales pitch
The fabricated ideals of how we want to be perceived
In love with our favorite liars and willfully deceived
 
Separation anxiety, words bleed out of loose lips
I am a gaping wound in consciousness
Seeking fantasies and dreams for escape
Caught between waking up to losing you all over again
And actively participating in my own mind rape
 
It'll be my first Easter without you here
And this is all I'm trying to say
As I trudge through the swamp of my thoughts and their emotions
In my efforts to convey
 
Torn between what I feel
And the brighter message of resurrection as a holiday
To celebrate forgiveness, rebirth, and miracles
Yet somehow feel as if mine was robbed when I watched you pass away
 
To think no less that God was grieved to know the pain of death
Yet the thresh-hold of a Savior finds the joy set before Him
Was all that inspired His endurance to the cross and name me worth His final breath...