When Healing Hurts

 

Like waking from a dream to be greeted by a nightmare  
I don't know how to deal with this  
When I've never known an existence without you here  
And the words are a poor substitute for comfort in your absence  
But it's the only way I know how to process  

Tossed between relief for finality and knowing you're free from pain  
In the moments when healing hurts, my heart breaks  
And the tears aren't enough to express this unseen bloodstain  

Orchestrations of this moment allotted for a moment to renew a vow  
Postponed for a circumstance beyond control  
Nevertheless it was as if this was the reason  
To rest and reach out to God for console  
In anticipation of this unforeseen season  
 
I smile for your joy yet I weep for this loss  
In the beauty and the brokenness of the end results of sin and the cross  
For the death born of the flesh, and yet resurrection in the midst of sorrow  
I dreamt of a day that never came, still waiting for tomorrow  
 
I just breathe and continue when it's all I can do  
As I go through the withdrawals of life without you  
Despite all that led up to this  
Nothing can prepare us but to learn to accept this reality unreal  
Learning to cleave to faith and think of you dancing in heaven when longing is all I feel  
 
Thankful for a moment I saw you  
In a weeks’ worth of paradise  
When I met the one who made you smile  
I'm blessed to call you mother, were you blessed to call me your child?  
 
When I'm aware of all that I might have done  
And my failures accuse me, yet grace lays claim  
Am I an honorable son  
That does justice your legacy  
To be associated with your beautiful name  
 
Did I make you proud?  
Asking questions in doubt I already know the answers to  
When no one can love anyone as unconditionally as mother's do  
You saw me at my ugliest and still preserved vision to call me a worthwhile endeavor  
When your belief helped me to realize my potential  
Though I cannot touch you, your love lives on in me unto the realms of forever  
 

I pray I reflect well on you in this life to display the goodness of God  
You were the needle that knit me together with truth as the thread  
Knit into the fabric of unfailing glory  
Our spirit's alive even though the body is dead  
 
Save a dance for me on the other side of this  
When the song of the Lamb resounds in a place of eternal happiness  
Heavy is this light affliction, this darkness that I see  
A vapor within a vapor, till we meet again, unbroken for eternity  
 
Even though you're gone I know I'm never alone  
With God as my witness and all the more  
You're part of what makes heaven my home...